197 - Sore losers

My 4-year-old cousin is a sweet boy, who brings a lot of love and laughter to our family dinners. He's learning to be conversational within the family, he's active and loves running around, and he's fairly disciplined in his general behavior and potty training, thanks to my grandmother's heavy hand.

If there's one problem that I had to point out, though, it would be the problem of him being a sore loser. He throws a tantrum, cries, kicks and screams if he believes somebody else is the winner, he cannot stand to lose. To be fair, we've taught him to think he is always a winner. I remember when the four of us cousins had a race at one point, and obviously, it was a matter of whoever was older, was whoever that ran the fastest. We like to tell my 4-year-old cousin that as long as you finish the sprint, everyone wins, we want to encourage him to think that everyone's a winner in the eyes of the family. So when it comes to him really losing at something, it upsets him immensely, because in his mind, the best policy is shared, unified victory.

But then again, he's only four years old. Who can blame him?

Who we can blame are the grown-ups, even the teens. They say it takes a real man to admit defeat, as people nowadays are so obsessed with keeping their reputation and dignity above everybody else's. I'm sure everyone out there knows of the sore losers I'm referring to - the kind that quit (not forfeit, they quit), and lose their tempers in the middle of a game because they know they're going to lose. I'm talking about the type that whine about how their tactics went wrong, or how they were tired, or weren't paying attention, the sort that complain after the game is over about how the rules were biased for those taller than him, or those with better mathematical skills than her, or how the opponent had a lot more time to spare to adjust to the controls than he/she did, how the sun was shining in their eyes, or on their side of the pitch, how it was their first time playing, how they got stuck, how they tripped, how they weren't thinking straight...

Why don't you just shut up, and move on with your life, instead of dwelling on it? What is wrong with healthy, happy competition where there are winners, and losers that just happen to be you? Jeez, no need to throw a hissy fit, just try again next time!

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138 - Denial/Not admitting one's mistakes

They say that a real man admits his mistakes, and that confession is the first step in improving oneself.

I've been in a lot of denial lately - a lot, a lot, a lot of denial. And keeping my embarrassing stories and guilt to myself has been very emotionally and psychologically taxing, to the point where I've been extremely depressed. Withholding my emotions is really not in me, I cannot force myself to be a closed-off person, to be a secretive person... For a long time prior to a few weeks ago, I always wore my emotions on my sleeve, I let people see that I was happy or vulnerable or agitated because keeping a stereotypically Asian-style stoic demeanor is just too much damn hard work for me.

Last month, I sort of felt like I didn't need to tell anyone anything. I was sort of sick of myself, and I think people were getting sick of me, too. So I kept things to myself, and told myself and others that I was okay when, in fact, I was in denial.

It does take balls to admit you're failing. I'm currently thinking of the people in my class and in my family and a lot of them are pretty proud of a vast variety of things, as well. It seems like everyone hates to admit they're wrong, that they're lazy, that they're guilty of something.

I understand the feeling all too well... but ultimately, denial is a heavy weight for oneself, and a heavy injustice to others. The school I went to previously had a motto: Honestas ante honores. It means honesty before glory/honor, and it speaks a great truth.

If everything is concluded to be going alright, but some part of the premise is actually a lie conceived in denial, then everything can be concluded to be going wrong.

Tonight, I've finally asked for some help with my problems, after keeping them to myself for so long. It's the most appropriate sort of help, coming from the most reliable source, and I have faith in the fact that I will get the help I need. But my ego is hurting big time. I feel so small for having to depend upon another person... I need to be an individual, but it turns out I'm just not grown up enough yet.

I just have to suck it up. That's the whole trick when coming out of denial, isn't it? ...A lot of sucking it up.