236 - Relying on someone and they don't pull through

Have you ever asked someone to do you a favor, promise they will be there to lend you a helping hand, and then have them retract their hand, and along with it, their invested interest in your well-being? It's hard enough that the circumstances have brought us into difficult predicaments, but it's worse to have the light shining on us be suddenly eclipsed by a person's resignation of his/her's consideration, understanding and cooperation. It's like saying, "You were worth it at one point, but now, not so much."

I was put in this situation a couple of days ago. I asked for aid in my life, and the person abandoned me. If he couldn't have possibly performed the favor, mightn't it be easier if he had just said so in the first place?

It's a slap in the face if you ask me. I thought we were family... I thought we were friends. But I guess the feeling's not mutual.

Don't you hate it when you depend on another person's help, only to find out that it hurts you even more in the end?

231 - Forgetting familiar faces

Eleven days ago, my mother flew from Hong Kong to come visit me here in the UK for her Chinese New Year holiday off work. We spent half the time in Canterbury, where my university is located, and the rest of the time in Edinburgh, the Scottish Highlands and Londontown. Before the 10th of February, I hadn't seen her for more than 4.5 months, and to be honest, I had sort of forgotten what she looked like in person. Right now, her physical appearance is fresh in my mind as I only saw her off at Heathrow airport last night, but it'll be another four-and-a-half months before I see her again, and I know I will gradually begin to forget her semblance again until the day I embark on that 16-hour journey finally.

Of course we have all this technology that allows us to talk to each other and see each other with the click of a button or two. But it's just not the same, if you get what I'm saying. This experience of moving away from my home in Hong Kong, to a place where I have to pretty much make it on my own in all aspects of my life, scares the living crap out of me all the time, but it has really shown me what fears, discomforts, and individual strength can be brought about inside me by something as simple as geographical distance.

I do have two or three close friends staying here in the UK, who I've known for a long, long time. The more I thought about it on the train back to university from London, the more I realized that I actually forget people's faces and voices very easily with prolonged absence. There are actually many people in my life that I have forgotten the faces of, and the mere voices of. Sure, I know where they go to university now, and sure I hear things about what they're doing. Sure, I talk to them every now and then, and sure we play games online together, and we look at each other's photos, and it's pretty much like spending time together in the flesh...

...but it's not. There really is a difference, one I cannot find the words to explain adequately. It means something to be in one another's physical presence. It means something to hear the sound of their voices, and their distinctive laughs. And it means something to see each other's expressions, to feed off each other's gestural and facial reactions, to see each other's 'thinking face', or 'eating face', or 'waiting-to-cross-the-street face', to walk side-by-side, and to hug and kiss, and hold hands, or interlock elbows, as you're walking.

I miss home so much. And the familiarity of people's faces and the geography of Hong Kong is probably what gets to me the most.

Well... except the food perhaps.

Yeah...

Food definitely trumps the faces... and everything else.

228 - Tripping my grandmother

When I was eleven, our entire family, around twelve or thirteen of us altogether, went to this amusement park in Hong Kong called Ocean Park. The park has rollercoasters, animal exhibitions, dolphin and sea lion performances, carnival stalls, and a four-story aquarium containing over 2,000 fish. We had just finished having a buffet lunch at the seaview restaurant they have there, perched up on the side of a small hill, and as most of my relatives had to go to the washroom to avoid having to find one elsewhere later on, my grandmother and I walked out of the restaurant first, and strolled down the hill.

As we were walking down, it started to get crowded as we were gradually entering the general park area, and this woman who was talking on her phone walked right in front of us. Somehow the woman's foot had made contact with my grandmother's foot, and my grandmother had suddenly fell down face first. The woman on her phone took no notice of it, she had no idea, and she just continued ambling aimlessly, zigzagging along the path.

Luckily, my grandmother had stuck out her hands in front of her to cushion her fall and prevent major injru to her face, but there was still a tiny sliver of skin that had come off the bridge of her nose on account of the glasses she was wearing. Her spectacles had basically scratched her nose, and this made her dorsum bleed. It was a very small wound, so don't let your imaginations run too wildly.

I helped her up, brought her to a bench, got out some tissues and water, and helped her clean it up. By the time the rest of my family had arrived, the bitch (if I may use that word... read my last post) who tripped my grandmother was already gone. My aunt asked me where the woman went, and I shamefully said, "I don't know".

From that day on, I never ever give a damn about what public civilians feel or think if they do me wrong. Before that day in that park, I was always very submissive, and didn't mean to cause any dispute should someone run into me hard in the streets, or if a cashierlady gave me the less change than I should receive. These things need to be called out on, and next time someone trips my grandmother, if there is a next time, the perpetrator is going to pay.

218 - Dishonesty

Advertisers, politicians, lawyers, reality show contestants, and children under the age of twelve, are all known for their tendency to skew the truth to achieve their own means. I know I'm not completely without fault as far as today's topic is concerned. There are times when I lie, and times when I say things that I don't mean. I've told many white lies, I've kept the truth from those who deserve to know it, and I've tweaked the truth to, in my opinion, make life easier for myself and others.

But hey, I assure you - I really, really assure you - I am trying my best not to, to keep dishonesty to a minimum. I don't like having things to hide. Even though it made me very uncomfortable at first, I eventually publicized my blog to all my friends and family. Although it took a while for me to adjust to the level of care required, I eventually got used to having my family as Facebook friends. With my parents, it's definitely taken years of hard work to make it an open and honest forum when I have conversations with them. I want to live a life that's open, and I'm not afraid to be myself. It just takes time for one to work it out. Change in one's situation must come from changes within.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time. - Abraham Lincoln

But some people, they feel the need to be deceitful, to exaggerate, to tell a partial truth, or a tale sprinkled with implimenting alterations, in order to gain money, power, property, trust, praise, confidence, sympathy, or popularity. Or, in the case of compulsive liars, joy. There just is no good reason in their case - it simply makes them feel good.

A lie has speed, but truth has endurance. - Edgar J. Mohn

It's sad when people have no idea that they're lying constantly, sadder yet when they're lying to themselves, deluding themselves into believing that all's good and there's nothing wrong with them. This denial is hard to overcome, especially after years and years of devoted belief in particular maxims, or when they've been brought up by a family that doesn't face the truth along the way, all in the name of love and keeping each other happy.

You know what I mean - like the family that tells their eldest that he/she sounds great when they sing, voice similar to that of Whitney Houston, Adele or Michael Bublé - and then they go on American Idol or X Factor (take your pick of overly publicized talent show), and they end up being laughed at and ridiculed by people all over the world the next day.

So who are we kidding when we try to convince others of things that aren't true? Ask yourself, why are you trying to make it out to be something that it's not? Don't you know that the only person you're fooling is yourself?

207 - When people make the world revolve around me

My closest friends will tell you that I hate it when people always ask me how I am and what's up with me. They will tell you that I reckon my mother and my father and the rest of my family do it too often. My friends will tell you that my acquaintances don't know that it annoys me. They will tell you that sometimes even they, themselves, forget that I don't like revealing that much about myself when we're having a conversation. I just find it annoying when people ask me about me too much. If I wanted to talk to them about something, I would talk to them about it, right?

But I really don't blame them for asking about me. They're just expressing their care for me and want updates on my life. I blame myself mostly for this annoyance. I blame me for putting myself into situations that warrant people's attentions - it is a constant struggle to balance: doing what I want in front of others, while also conveying that I would like my own secrets, private life and alone time. My mother knows that struggle all too well with me, my father would drink to that privacy, and my friends would tell you that achieving that balance with me is one of the keys to being my friend. I prefer solving problems myself - unless I can't really help it. That includes sorting out my own time, money, relationships with people, and my own emotions.

So, please, my readers, I must make something very clear. I do not request advisement of any kind on this blog. I am no longer the bad-tempered kid I was a year ago that needs counsel. I don't need advice on how to tackle this problem or that, how to survive the meaningless chat when running into acquaintances or how to keep my chin up when someone ruins my day. Your encouragement is not needed here. Your questions of concern, I will not answer. All the personal stuff is what my other blog is for - in that blog, is where I have my space to be egotistical, and where I would appreciate kind words.

This is for you. To make you laugh, to make you empathize, to make you hit the surface of your desk in agreement and go, "Man, that irritates me, as well!"

I'm asking you, do you hate it too? Don't you hate it too when people make the world revolve around you?

I find it a little bit funny that by asking you that question, it then kind of makes the world revolve around you... and so if you do concur and do hate it too, then I would effectively be doing the very same thing we both hate, in the very same post. Hmm...

197 - Sore losers

My 4-year-old cousin is a sweet boy, who brings a lot of love and laughter to our family dinners. He's learning to be conversational within the family, he's active and loves running around, and he's fairly disciplined in his general behavior and potty training, thanks to my grandmother's heavy hand.

If there's one problem that I had to point out, though, it would be the problem of him being a sore loser. He throws a tantrum, cries, kicks and screams if he believes somebody else is the winner, he cannot stand to lose. To be fair, we've taught him to think he is always a winner. I remember when the four of us cousins had a race at one point, and obviously, it was a matter of whoever was older, was whoever that ran the fastest. We like to tell my 4-year-old cousin that as long as you finish the sprint, everyone wins, we want to encourage him to think that everyone's a winner in the eyes of the family. So when it comes to him really losing at something, it upsets him immensely, because in his mind, the best policy is shared, unified victory.

But then again, he's only four years old. Who can blame him?

Who we can blame are the grown-ups, even the teens. They say it takes a real man to admit defeat, as people nowadays are so obsessed with keeping their reputation and dignity above everybody else's. I'm sure everyone out there knows of the sore losers I'm referring to - the kind that quit (not forfeit, they quit), and lose their tempers in the middle of a game because they know they're going to lose. I'm talking about the type that whine about how their tactics went wrong, or how they were tired, or weren't paying attention, the sort that complain after the game is over about how the rules were biased for those taller than him, or those with better mathematical skills than her, or how the opponent had a lot more time to spare to adjust to the controls than he/she did, how the sun was shining in their eyes, or on their side of the pitch, how it was their first time playing, how they got stuck, how they tripped, how they weren't thinking straight...

Why don't you just shut up, and move on with your life, instead of dwelling on it? What is wrong with healthy, happy competition where there are winners, and losers that just happen to be you? Jeez, no need to throw a hissy fit, just try again next time!

(Follow me on Facebook and Twitter!)

171 - When people don't understand how I feel about moving to the UK

There's a lot of emotion brewing inside of me as I enter this final week in Hong Kong. There are many things of which I still haven't done, but had originally planned to do, and a lot of people who I will not see before I fly off to England, but wish I could. I can honestly say, though, that I have tried my best to fit in the most important people and the most important things-to-do into my schedule. I don't know how I'm ever going to stop missing this place after I leave, how I will miss the thousands of streets on which I've walked a thousand times, the unique wonderful taste of the food here I love so much, and the beaches, the carparks, the piers, the malls, the parks, the schools, the bowling alleys, the bookstores, the supermarkets and the countless other locations of which I know like the back of my hand, and altogether, integrate, interweave and incorporate with one another in this giant lattice to constitute this familiar city I describe as my place of birth, my living environment, my home.

When other people hear about why I will miss this place so much, they attempt to reassure me by patting me on the back, brushing my shoulder, and telling me that I can always come back home during my holidays, and that I can keep in touch with people online at any time, but what they fail to realize is that those aren't really valid points.

Truth be told, I never want to come back, and I don't want to talk to anyone online.

About 95% of my life consists of my mother, my father and my best friend. I have dinner with my mom, drinks with my dad, and talk on the phone about everything else with my best buddy. I cannot just fly back whenever I want to, and I cannot just make a call to Hong Kong whenever I want to. There are huge costs for such homebound travel, I don't have the money for me to come back anytime.

Additionally, we each have our respective lives to lead. I've tried communicating with all three of them online, and it's just not the way our relationships work. We are all people who move on quickly (for our own reasons) if the circumstances for communication are inconvenient. I believe our correspondence will gradually be reduced to a minimum, and we all will find a way to accept the geographical and emotional separation between us, and the consequences of said distance.

With all my heart, I don't want to ever come back at this point. Ultimately, I believe I've spent too much of my life in one place, and it would be a waste of my life, and a wastage of this Earth, to spend another day here after I finish my course. I know that may sound bizarre, but that's genuinely what I feel.

People ask me, "why do you say you'll miss it then if you hate it so much?"

Have these people not been paying attention?

I don't hate Hong Kong. When did I say that?

And of course, I'll miss it, why wouldn't I miss it?

It's as simple as this: I am very excited and so glad to leave, but I will miss my childhood home nonetheless. I want to go and explore the whole wide world, starting with England, but it's just going to be emotionally difficult to move on, because Hong Kong has been my entire life. Is that so difficult to comprehend, or are my thoughts really that convoluted?

154 - When people don't trust your directions

Tomorrow, I graduate from high school. I will shake hands with the headmistress and will finally, officially, be out of secondary education forever. It's an exciting feeling going into tomorrow's graduation ceremony. Our parents, and our teachers, will all be sitting in the audience, feeling proud of us. My mom will be there, and so will three of my aunts. It's a happy occasion.

Tonight at dinner, they were asking me how to get to my school. I told them they could catch a cab from this location, or they could take a bus from that place. And then - they didn't believe me. They thought that that road would be busy during the evening rush hour. They told me that the bus doesn't go the right way. They said they had another means of getting there in mind. They asked me if I was sure those were the fastest routes.

Uh, of course I'm sure. I've been going to that school for four years. I've gone up that hill over a thousand times. If you want to go the long way, the more expensive way, the busier way, fine. I just don't understand why you asked me for directions in the first place, honestly, if you had already planned on going your way.

151 - When people laugh at you when you simply want to look good

I have no time to do everything I've been wanting to do after high school finishes. I could only manage to fit in so much in the last 24 hours, but I still haven't gotten round to reading a single blog, or a single page of any book considered a classic. I've caught up with tons of people on Facebook, I've watched a lot of TV series, downloaded an album or two, gone out with my friends, slept in this morning, etc... etc... but there is just not enough time for me to sit back and read, to go to the beach, to write on my other blog, to see other people, and the list goes on forever...

Anyway, tonight I'm going to a banquet. It's funny because I don't know what the banquet is for, what host I'm going to be a guest to, where this thing is, or why I'm invited. To be entirely frank, I don't even know what a 'banquet' is and what you do there.

But my grandparents and my aunt are going, and I'm invited to go. I figured, I haven't been out with them in a while, and I haven't made dinner plans yet. A spontaneous free dinner from a random host I don't know the identity of yet?

Sure.

I tried to dress up nicely, but my aunt was snickering at me when she saw me leafing through my button-down shirts. She thinks it's funny that I wanted the blue shirt at first, then I switched to pink, then I changed my mind to the white one. Truth is, I was trying to match them with a particular pair of shoes.

I don't understand why she was laughing at me, though. I just want to look nice. God knows she's not fashionable, and I'm sorry if I don't want to dress up like I'm from the 50s. I will dress my age. So what if girls fuss over makeup, or if guys fuss over their hair? People need to be presentable in, and dress appropriately for, the given event. Do you want to look like an idiot in photographs? Do you want to be stared at by everyone around you?

You see, I was leaving you alone to dress up all old-fashioned, but if you want to laugh at me, I'll... I'll... I will...

I will BLOG about you. Humph.

146 - When someone thinks they're better than you

I hate this, whether it means they think they're smarter, richer, kinder, fitter, faster, cooler, prettier, or more popular, courteous, verbose, moral, loyal, rational, adaptable, experienced, balanced, or correct. To think you're on a "higher level" is nothing short of arrogant; to advertise this exact self-image is just abhorrent.

Benjamin Franklin said: "To be humble to superiors is duty, to equals courtesy, to inferiors nobleness." People with a strong ego scoff behind the authoritarians' backs, look down on, and patronize, their equals, and treat their subordinates like they're scum, or non-existent.

And it's most detestable when such conceit is observed in the people you love. I just... I don't even want to think about it anymore.

145 - When someone isn't close to their parents

We all feel lonely sometimes, even if we have a spouse, a sibling, or a large clique to hang out with. It's nice to have someone, or some people, who you can rely on, whenever you're feeling lonely - the kind of people that will answer your calls in the middle of the night if you need to talk, the ones that will always love you and care about you, the sort of person that won't mind accompanying you for dinner, even if it means they have to cancel other prior arrangements.

I'm lucky enough to have three of those people: my mother, my father, and my best friend.

They listen to me, they like me unconditionally, they have stuck by me for so many years. It hasn't been easy, no, not at all. My mother has kicked me out of my house, my father and I have had long periods in which we don't talk to each other for years, and my best friend has told me before that he hates me.

But the fact that these relationships have been maintained for so long, despite all the disagreements, is a testament to how strong these bonds really are.

I never understand how people can not be 'close' to their parents. I've tried to resist my relationships with my mom and my dad, in my iconoclastic, adolescent, rebellious spirit, but upon reflection, I honestly cannot help but be drawn to them. Still a teenager myself, I find it uneasy to say this, but people should make the effort to talk to family. I'm not going to cry out loud about my own domestic situation, but I know others with far worse-off conditions, and you know, they somehow function, and they function because the family communicates and works through their issues together.

Frankly, I hate hearing about people who "never really talk about stuff" with their parents because I find it rather sad. These people, like one of my older cousins for example, don't really know how to talk to their own kids either. It's a vicious cycle passed on from generation to generation...

But perhaps this familial flaw should be attributed more to the parents rather than the children. After all, when you're a kid, you just don't know any better. It's up to the parents to teach the kid that talking about "stuff" can be good. I say it's better than talking to a psychologist/counselor. I say it's better than withholding your emotions.

But meh, whatever floats your boat.

144 - Reluctancy to do household chores

Hey guys! Today is my second-last week of school before my study leave begins. The exams start in May, so in less than a month, I'll be writing things down on pieces of paper that will determine my future. So excuse me if I'm not blogging as much. I'll try to make my posts longer in the months of April and May just to compensate, like this one for example. I have a lot of studying to do, but hopefully, I'll be back on Friday once more.

So, I hope everyone is enjoying Eastertime, 'cause I'm going to go indulge in a chocolate egg now. Toodles!

--------------------------------------------------------------

A couple years back, during one of Hong Kong's hot summer holidays, I rented what is known as a 'holiday house' for a couple of days. There are many holiday houses around Hong Kong, mainly located in more rural areas outside the city, and on the outlying islands of Hong Kong, near beaches, biking trails and hiking routes. These houses are typically furnished with several beds, a TV, a fridge, chairs, tables, a pot, a pan, some eating utensils, and a barbecue pit in front of, or behind the house. What these holiday houses are, are basically houses you can rent for a few days to escape the technology and the pressures of citydom, and to spend time with your family or friends actually having fun the way it was meant to be had (i.e., non-electronically).

Two years ago, thirteen of my friends came along with me to live for four days in a holiday house on 'Cheung Chau' Island. Together, the fourteen of us played Playstation, rode bikes, threw frisbees and balls at each other on the beach, and of course, drank a lot of vodka with cranberry juice and Red Bull. There was one night in which I even started up a barbecue fire and cooked everybody's dinner. It was heaploads of fun... heaploads.

On the last night, however, something really bugged me. They were arguing over who should wash the dishes. Now, for the whole four long days, and three long, sleepless nights, I didn't really care who was picking up for all of us, and cleaning up after us, so long as somebody was doing it. Of course, it was preferable if everybody chipped in to prevent the house from looking too untidy.

I really didn't care who swept the sand off the floor after we all came back with sand in our hair, clothes and shoes, who mopped the floor after we returned from the beach dripping in salty seawater. I didn't care who washed the pot and the pan and the plates after we had pasta on the first night, or who wiped the barbecue forks clean on the second night. I didn't care who went out in the morning to get everybody's breakfast, or who went out in the afternoon to shop for groceries, or who went to the supermarket after dinner to buy dessert, or who went after midnight to restock on junk food.

But the fact of the matter was, I did everything. For the enjoyment of everybody else, I really did everything. I made sure those who needed to leave early knew how to get home, and ensured the safe arrival of those who joined us later. I made sure the floors, the cooking and eating apparatuses, and the barbecue pit were all clean. I cooked dinner for everybody, I went out to buy groceries, to buy breakfast, to buy junk food, to buy drinks, and to buy dessert. I pointed out to people which way the beach was, where to get bikes, where the best place to sit and talk was, where the supermarket was, how to use the shower, and Hell, even where the damn Cheetos were stashed.

And most importantly, I had the key to the house. And that meant I had to follow everyone everywhere so that they had a way back into the house when they got tired.

On the last night, all thirteen of them decided to go out on a walk while I was just about to doze off curled up in my bed. I heard the door close, and I thought to myself, "If I'm the only one who has the key, and I'm asleep, do they all expect me to just wake up to open the door for them later on, after all the work that I did in the past few days for them?"

I had had enough of their slothfulness, so I ran out after them. At first, I was shouting angrily. Then I was shouting hysterically. Then I was crying about how sick and tired I was of cleaning up after them and catering them and letting them have fun. I was simply exhausted.

I have a very good friend with whom I talk to almost every night. It makes me smile when he sends me a message, "brb dishes", or "brb gotta take out the trash". It's admirable and quite a sweet quality for a guy if he's been brought up to do these sorts of things. He'd make a good husband one day.

I washed the dishes tonight after my mother and I had our first homemade meal together in over a year or so. I wash the dishes after every time I cook/bake stuff for myself to eat. I just do it 'cause it's logical... someone has to do it. It might as well be me, right? I mean, I don't see what's so disgusting about doing the dishes. And as for sweeping and mopping the floor, that's easy, and wiping the cabinets and stuff is not that difficult. Picking up the kids' toys doesn't take more than a minute, and doing the laundry is basically throwing clothes into a box and at the press of a button, voilà.

People... People: please do the dishes, even if it's not yours. Do your chores, they don't take long. I don't want to have an emotional breakdown in front of anybody again, and I don't want anyone to suffer from the same situation, because it's quite embarrassing to be crying over dirty dishes.

So, anyway, do you know anyone who hates doing the chores? Don't you hate them too?

138 - Denial/Not admitting one's mistakes

They say that a real man admits his mistakes, and that confession is the first step in improving oneself.

I've been in a lot of denial lately - a lot, a lot, a lot of denial. And keeping my embarrassing stories and guilt to myself has been very emotionally and psychologically taxing, to the point where I've been extremely depressed. Withholding my emotions is really not in me, I cannot force myself to be a closed-off person, to be a secretive person... For a long time prior to a few weeks ago, I always wore my emotions on my sleeve, I let people see that I was happy or vulnerable or agitated because keeping a stereotypically Asian-style stoic demeanor is just too much damn hard work for me.

Last month, I sort of felt like I didn't need to tell anyone anything. I was sort of sick of myself, and I think people were getting sick of me, too. So I kept things to myself, and told myself and others that I was okay when, in fact, I was in denial.

It does take balls to admit you're failing. I'm currently thinking of the people in my class and in my family and a lot of them are pretty proud of a vast variety of things, as well. It seems like everyone hates to admit they're wrong, that they're lazy, that they're guilty of something.

I understand the feeling all too well... but ultimately, denial is a heavy weight for oneself, and a heavy injustice to others. The school I went to previously had a motto: Honestas ante honores. It means honesty before glory/honor, and it speaks a great truth.

If everything is concluded to be going alright, but some part of the premise is actually a lie conceived in denial, then everything can be concluded to be going wrong.

Tonight, I've finally asked for some help with my problems, after keeping them to myself for so long. It's the most appropriate sort of help, coming from the most reliable source, and I have faith in the fact that I will get the help I need. But my ego is hurting big time. I feel so small for having to depend upon another person... I need to be an individual, but it turns out I'm just not grown up enough yet.

I just have to suck it up. That's the whole trick when coming out of denial, isn't it? ...A lot of sucking it up.

127 - When someone invades your privacy

Oh, this post can go in so many directions...

My mother once rummaged through my desk drawer and found a pack of cigarettes that I had hidden in there. She called me up and said she was going to take it because she didn't like me having it. I retorted with: "I didn't take the condoms you hide in your closet, so don't take my cigarettes." And she came back with: "Well, I don't delete your porn off your computer."

Yes, the invasion of privacy. What she said actually infuriated me so much I actually threw my phone on to the floor real hard, which resulted in a shattered phone, and accomplished nothing.

I've read other people's text messages, only because I've had people do it to me. People have abused my trust and gone into my e-mail accounts to look around, and I, too, have guessed a password or two correctly before in my curiosity. There are just so many things that we hide under our beds, in the unknown hidden flaps of our wallets and purses, and, perhaps most interestingly, our heads. Secret entities can come in so many forms: the bottle of rum I occasionally take a sip out of that I placed behind all the other wines and spirits, the diary I locked up and never continued, the tiny notes I have in my friend's pencil case that got passed around in class, the money I'm saving up to spend on parties in the UK slipped in between the pages of a First Aid Guidebook. Everybody hides something, I'm sure.

Very recently, I've talked to someone that means a lot to me, and I haven't spoken to in a while. She really does care about me more than a lot of other people, and I often forget how much she does throughout the years because I rarely see her. The reason we've been avoiding each other, I believe, is because another person, a man, that is close to both of us, will get upset at our interaction. He doesn't like it when things happen behind his back, when things are out of his control.

He has the resources to actually spy on us, and read all my text messages and e-mails, follow me around everywhere I go. That's an invasion of privacy. I would hate it if I found out he's snooping around in my business.

125 - When two people with good intentions come to a disagreement

This is a basic facet of social, interpersonal relationships that I don't understand. How the Hell does this happen? Who would be condemned to the Underworld? The one that meant his/her care less passionately? The one that gave advice or suggestions that didn't work? The one that has an inferior record of performing good deeds throughout his/her life? The one that had a slower reaction and offered help later? Or the one that took less time and effort to think of practical, acceptable solutions?

How is it that this happens? Who's to blame? ...I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

117 - When another person throws a bowling ball down your lane

I have always loved to bowl, and I remember I used to go every week when I was around 8 or 9 with my mom and her boyfriend. Lifting a heavy sphere with just three fingers and throwing it at pins in the hopes of hearing that euphoric sound of a strike (or a turkey) just came natural to me like I had been born to play this sport. (My childhood asthma makes it hard for me to run around too much when playing soccer or basketball. I get shortness of breath really easily.)

I like that bowling alleys are air-conditioned. I don't like that they require you to change your shoes, but I guess the footwear is just for my own safety. I love the feel of a heavy bowling ball: it's smooth, shiny, and the mathematically perfect shape. They can come in any color, too, and as it rolls down an alley (or into a gutter), it creates one of the most beautiful manmade spectacles.

I'd like to say I'm quite good at bowling, but I haven't had any practice for about a year. I remember I used to be good enough to at least get strikes half the time. You'd think my prowess would earn me some respect on the bowling lanes, but no, apparently it's funny to 'steal' each other's turns, to throw multiple bowling balls down the alley simultaneously and challenge the machinery's automaticity, to disrespect the balls, the pins and the game itself, and just fling balls hard into the gutter because it's so damn funny when we sabotage other people's efforts.

It ain't funny to me. I will throw you to the other end of the alley. I know that my getting angry only makes the situation more amusing to the people that don't appreciate the game as much as I do, that it only fuels them with more entertainment. But you know... It's my turn... It's my lane... It's my game... Grr...

92 - Being uninspired

Oh, I lack ideas today. It was the Chinese New Year yesterday, my non-Chinese friends, and our whole family got together to eat traditional Chinese food for lunch, play mahjong in the afternoon and have a big meal for dinner. Right now, I could talk about a huge multitude of things, but I'm just not feeling too strongly about any of them. I thought of some ideas, but I knew I couldn't carry them out to make a substantial post.

Yesterday, I wore a pink shirt, and my family made a few comments about it, like pink is a girl color not to be worn by guys. I could talk about that but I don't feel like it.

I could talk about how my mother ate the last piece of food at lunch without politely asking if anyone would like to have/share it. But then again, I have already written about gluttony before.

I was also just about to write about how I won money from playing mahjong, but did not receive any because my family forgot. But hey, it's the Chinese New Year, it's inappropriate for me to demand for money or complain that I didn't get any for my mahjong skills...

Then there's dinner, at which everybody was all loud and chatty, when all I was was hungry, and all I wanted to do was eat. I had to listen to their talking, answer their questions, take care of my younger cousins all night, argh. In fact, my three-year-old cousin wet my bed for the very first time last night. I didn't get as angry as I thought I might, and so I don't want to write about that either. During dinner, my family were only eating merrily, and after dinner, my cousin was only three years old, young and incapable of controlling his pee.

So I guess today, I hate how I am uninspired. Writer's block, they call it, but I don't like that phrase either. I wish I could expand on any of those aforesaid things, but they don't seem right. I'm not annoyed today, which is a good thing, but I am annoyed at myself today.

I have some friends who never seem to be inspired for anything to do with school. They search in their textbooks, they ask more insightful friends for ideas for their essays, and their work reflects how uncreative and lacking of ideas they are. That annoys me.

I also don't like how some people are not inspired enough to travel elsewhere, or to learn new things, to learn about other people, to learn of other cultures, to understand what is not understandable to them right now. The world is much bigger, inspiration allows you to dream, to want to do things you wouldn't normally do. Why some people never feel inspired to do something saddens and irritates me.

86 - Talking about respect

Alright, bloggers. Think of somebody who you respect highly and by whom you are respected as well. Do you ever talk about the respect you have for one another?

In my experience, respect is a tricky thing to define, give and return, but generally, I believe the less you have to talk about respect with someone, the better. Respect, trust and liking is felt instinctively and cannot be induced by reasonable words alone. Together, they mix together to form a 'bond' known as 'friendship' and that bond can be strong or weak based on the level, and more importantly, the balance of those three aspects (and perhaps some more, please share if you can come up with another component of 'friendship'). My best friend and I mutually trust and respect each other. We don't need to talk about it. We're fine.

But recently, I have been given a lot of crap about me being disrespectful. Often when we say we're 'disrespected', it is because we have certain standards that we apply to others, and in most cases, ourselves, but others are not abiding by these standards. We expect others to meet those standards, to 'respect' your standards, because they should, because they're people that mean something to you, because they should care, but they don't listen, they don't care, and they disappoint you.

Here's where I start to get opinionated.

First, who are you to apply standards to me? What about my standards that you are not abiding by? Why should I respect you first? Why do I feel like you never respect me?

Gosh, talking about respect is a pain up my ass whenever I have to argue with someone about our 'balance' of respect and it just isn't necessary to discuss it if you really were friends that have respect for each other because you'd use your intuition to achieve that balance. You would just tell them out loud every once in a while that you have a lot of respect for him/her, or you would do something that shows you respect the way they handle things in life. And just on the top of my head, respect can come in the form of many things, symbolized by things like tolerance, acceptance, patience, advice, fun, joy, agreement, disagreement, admiration, trust, liking and love, and many others, of course. Instead of demanding for respect, learn to give some first, in the form of any of those aforesaid things is fine...

(This post is a rambling, but in the past month or so, after somebody surprised me by saying he was tired of my disrespectful behavior, I spent some time reflecting on my behavior and found that we were disrespecting each other. The difference is that I am willing to accept that and do something about it to change myself to make the relationship better. After about three weeks of me trying and failing again and again since the New Year, though, it's obvious that you need to have a mutual effort to change. Some people need to look in the mirror before they accuse others of being disrespectful...)

1 - Sending impromptu invitations

How many times have you ever been invited to an event — whether it be a family member's birthday party, or perhaps some hangout time with your friends at the mall, or the opportunity to go to a rock concert with your sibling, or a game of tennis with your co-workers, or possibly just a simple evening meal with your spouse — but the invitation was sent to you at the very, last, minute?

Yes, I'm sure we've all received a hasty invitation as such that made us feel unfairly treated. On the one hand, you don't feel like accepting the invitation because you worry it will come off as if you have nothing better to do but wait for that stupid invitation. Or perhaps you simply don't want to accept the invitation since you feel the other person is being insensitive and selfish, inviting you to go somewhere at the last minute as if you're some sort of afterthought.

But on the other hand, you want to join in with your relative's birthday celebrations, and you want to watch that movie with your friends at the mall, and you want to eat at that fancy restaurant downtown, even if it's with your charmingly improviso wife.

And in the case where you just can't accept the invite because you've made prior arrangements, all you can think is that it's all the host's fault for not informing you earlier. You feel unfairly treated, and insignificant compared to the other people that will show up at the occasion, since they, of course, received their invitations weeks ago. And as you carry out your previously arranged plans, the idea of being left out of that other thing is all that comes to mind.

And the next time you see your brother/sister, it angers you to think that while you promised to hang out at your friend's place, your sweet sibling was jumping up and down at the most bitchin' concert ever. And the following day at work, you might get tired of hearing all about your boss' swift backhand that day - while you were, at the time, bringing your sweet mother out to lunch. You try not to show your frustration, but either way, the thoughts just don't leave your mind that easily.

Here's a piece of advice to all of you who have this insensitive habit: Don't surprise your beloved family and friends with sudden invitations. People may have other dates too and they don't appreciate the way in which you so impetuously invite them to your social occasions off-the-cuff. Spontaneity sure is thrilling, but in this day and age where knowledge is so vital, people are definitely more appreciative of being informed with more time to prepare.

Please put other people's lives into consideration before you propose an event that you want to happen. That way, you might actually convince more people to join you.