175 - When someone criticizes you behind your back

It has come to light that I have made somebody uncomfortable on my blog by writing about them. I took a minor incident in which they did something that upset me, and I wrote about them as if I was generalizing their entire personality on the basis of their misunderstood intentions.

I've gotten to know a lot of you bloggers out there in my time writing here, and it has been interesting to observe how some of us allow our real-life family and friends to read our blog, and how some of us prefer keeping it a little secret to ourselves.

I want this to be an open blog, an honest medium in which anybody out there, whether they know me or not, can get to know the kind of person I am, and read about what I find annoying. It has helped my parents to understand what's going on through my head, to get to know the kind of person their child has become, without having a weird, awkward conversation, because with them divorced, and all three of us being very... interesting characters - it does get very awkward.

My friends get to know that as well, and they understand that it's difficult sometimes for me to say what I really feel, because I am afraid of that exactly - being judged, being called arrogant or hateful or short-tempered.

But this is how I am. I am arrogant and hateful and short-tempered.

But blogging helps it. Blogging here has made me more tolerant after I shut down my computer and walk out the door in the morning. I blog about it, and in real-life, my hurtful feelings towards others are all gone because I've let them all out of my system.

Last year, on the 28th of October, I said from the very beginning that I do not mean to offend anybody, or make anybody uncomfortable. If you know me at all, I rave about something, and as quickly as the thoughts came, the thoughts also escape my mind just like that. I'm not a person to hold a grudge, or obsess over what other people say about me, that's just the kind of person that I am. I'm pretty immune and insensitive to criticism, insults, or downgrading of my character.

But it's terrible that I have been insensitive to what another person felt. I have downgraded their character.

I suppose a lot more care into who or what I write about must be taken, even if it is meant to be honest.

I remember several years ago when I got pretty upset at the fact that people talked behind my back. I guess over the years, I've just grown to ignore such smack.

I think I've gotten carried away, forgetting that others are kinder and sweeter than that, and don't need to form that protective bubble, because they shouldn't have to with their good heart.

I don't mean to be mean here. Ranting about things - I've been told - is funny, and I thought I could use this to master the art of writing, while at the same time, entertain other people, and engage in conversation about our many pet peeves. I surely do not mean to upset anyone, it's all just fun and writing.

What do you think? Has anyone in your real life gotten upset by your talking about them on your blog? For those of you who keep your blog a secret - is it because you're afraid of such conflict arising?

138 - Denial/Not admitting one's mistakes

They say that a real man admits his mistakes, and that confession is the first step in improving oneself.

I've been in a lot of denial lately - a lot, a lot, a lot of denial. And keeping my embarrassing stories and guilt to myself has been very emotionally and psychologically taxing, to the point where I've been extremely depressed. Withholding my emotions is really not in me, I cannot force myself to be a closed-off person, to be a secretive person... For a long time prior to a few weeks ago, I always wore my emotions on my sleeve, I let people see that I was happy or vulnerable or agitated because keeping a stereotypically Asian-style stoic demeanor is just too much damn hard work for me.

Last month, I sort of felt like I didn't need to tell anyone anything. I was sort of sick of myself, and I think people were getting sick of me, too. So I kept things to myself, and told myself and others that I was okay when, in fact, I was in denial.

It does take balls to admit you're failing. I'm currently thinking of the people in my class and in my family and a lot of them are pretty proud of a vast variety of things, as well. It seems like everyone hates to admit they're wrong, that they're lazy, that they're guilty of something.

I understand the feeling all too well... but ultimately, denial is a heavy weight for oneself, and a heavy injustice to others. The school I went to previously had a motto: Honestas ante honores. It means honesty before glory/honor, and it speaks a great truth.

If everything is concluded to be going alright, but some part of the premise is actually a lie conceived in denial, then everything can be concluded to be going wrong.

Tonight, I've finally asked for some help with my problems, after keeping them to myself for so long. It's the most appropriate sort of help, coming from the most reliable source, and I have faith in the fact that I will get the help I need. But my ego is hurting big time. I feel so small for having to depend upon another person... I need to be an individual, but it turns out I'm just not grown up enough yet.

I just have to suck it up. That's the whole trick when coming out of denial, isn't it? ...A lot of sucking it up.