Thursday, March 26, 2009

138 - Denial/Not admitting one's mistakes

They say that a real man admits his mistakes, and that confession is the first step in improving oneself.

I've been in a lot of denial lately - a lot, a lot, a lot of denial. And keeping my embarrassing stories and guilt to myself has been very emotionally and psychologically taxing, to the point where I've been extremely depressed. Withholding my emotions is really not in me, I cannot force myself to be a closed-off person, to be a secretive person... For a long time prior to a few weeks ago, I always wore my emotions on my sleeve, I let people see that I was happy or vulnerable or agitated because keeping a stereotypically Asian-style stoic demeanor is just too much damn hard work for me.

Last month, I sort of felt like I didn't need to tell anyone anything. I was sort of sick of myself, and I think people were getting sick of me, too. So I kept things to myself, and told myself and others that I was okay when, in fact, I was in denial.

It does take balls to admit you're failing. I'm currently thinking of the people in my class and in my family and a lot of them are pretty proud of a vast variety of things, as well. It seems like everyone hates to admit they're wrong, that they're lazy, that they're guilty of something.

I understand the feeling all too well... but ultimately, denial is a heavy weight for oneself, and a heavy injustice to others. The school I went to previously had a motto: Honestas ante honores. It means honesty before glory/honor, and it speaks a great truth.

If everything is concluded to be going alright, but some part of the premise is actually a lie conceived in denial, then everything can be concluded to be going wrong.

Tonight, I've finally asked for some help with my problems, after keeping them to myself for so long. It's the most appropriate sort of help, coming from the most reliable source, and I have faith in the fact that I will get the help I need. But my ego is hurting big time. I feel so small for having to depend upon another person... I need to be an individual, but it turns out I'm just not grown up enough yet.

I just have to suck it up. That's the whole trick when coming out of denial, isn't it? ...A lot of sucking it up.

4 comments:

Chris O said...

Eh, it's not sucking up, it's a little thing called maturity.

You are taking your first steps into adulthood. Welcome aboard!

Christine said...

Asking for help seems to be so difficult. The phone seems to way 500 pounds.
But from what I have been taught is that, life is a we-program, not a me-program. We are in this together.
Now do I choose to practice this at all times .... nope .... I'm only human. But when I do, it is always better.

Douglas said...

As a husband, I can assure you that we can learn to acknowledge mistakes... even when we didn't make them. I would have thought that motto meant that honesty leads to honor, that there is no honor without there first being honesty.

Jacynta said...

"One who makes a mistake and does not correct it, is in turn making another mistake"

Just a random quote, because that's actually the first thing I thought of. It's also not entirely correct, just the closest that I could get.