There's a lot of emotion brewing inside of me as I enter this final week in Hong Kong. There are many things of which I still haven't done, but had originally planned to do, and a lot of people who I will not see before I fly off to England, but wish I could. I can honestly say, though, that I have tried my best to fit in the most important people and the most important things-to-do into my schedule. I don't know how I'm ever going to stop missing this place after I leave, how I will miss the thousands of streets on which I've walked a thousand times, the unique wonderful taste of the food here I love so much, and the beaches, the carparks, the piers, the malls, the parks, the schools, the bowling alleys, the bookstores, the supermarkets and the countless other locations of which I know like the back of my hand, and altogether, integrate, interweave and incorporate with one another in this giant lattice to constitute this familiar city I describe as my place of birth, my living environment, my home.
When other people hear about why I will miss this place so much, they attempt to reassure me by patting me on the back, brushing my shoulder, and telling me that I can always come back home during my holidays, and that I can keep in touch with people online at any time, but what they fail to realize is that those aren't really valid points.
Truth be told, I never want to come back, and I don't want to talk to anyone online.
About 95% of my life consists of my mother, my father and my best friend. I have dinner with my mom, drinks with my dad, and talk on the phone about everything else with my best buddy. I cannot just fly back whenever I want to, and I cannot just make a call to Hong Kong whenever I want to. There are huge costs for such homebound travel, I don't have the money for me to come back anytime.
Additionally, we each have our respective lives to lead. I've tried communicating with all three of them online, and it's just not the way our relationships work. We are all people who move on quickly (for our own reasons) if the circumstances for communication are inconvenient. I believe our correspondence will gradually be reduced to a minimum, and we all will find a way to accept the geographical and emotional separation between us, and the consequences of said distance.
With all my heart, I don't want to ever come back at this point. Ultimately, I believe I've spent too much of my life in one place, and it would be a waste of my life, and a wastage of this Earth, to spend another day here after I finish my course. I know that may sound bizarre, but that's genuinely what I feel.
People ask me, "why do you say you'll miss it then if you hate it so much?"
Have these people not been paying attention?
I don't hate Hong Kong. When did I say that?
And of course, I'll miss it, why wouldn't I miss it?
It's as simple as this: I am very excited and so glad to leave, but I will miss my childhood home nonetheless. I want to go and explore the whole wide world, starting with England, but it's just going to be emotionally difficult to move on, because Hong Kong has been my entire life. Is that so difficult to comprehend, or are my thoughts really that convoluted?
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotion. Show all posts
Monday, September 14, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
119 - Hateful people
When I first created this blog, I was positively filled with ideas, since I found myself shaking my head in frustration whenever I came across any flaw that belonged to the individuals in society that just piss me and a lot of other people off everyday by simply existing because of how mind-numbingly stupid they are, how much slower and more painful they make our days, and how damn angry and lost they made me feel thanks to the fact that it is the people in society, today and everyday, that irk us on the streets, in our restaurants, at school and in the office, at home and everywhere else, but ironically, are also the same people, and the same society, that hold us responsible for being civil, polite and accepting around others.
Over the past four months, I have grown a little tired of this to be honest. I find that people aren't as annoying as I thought they were, and as I have more time to reflect on my own behavior now that I don't focus on that of others, I become aware of a lot of my own flaws.
And I think it's for my own good. I have flaws, a lot of them, and my time on this blog has shown me that other people aren't that bad, and from the mixed feedback I get, with comments like, "That doesn't bug me so much" or "I have grown used to this" or "I completely disagree with you on this one", I find that complaining about things like what I have complained about isn't necessary, and isn't necessarily humorous. I mean, being hateful is a pretty stupid, senseless, dim-witted, annoying, ridiculous, laughable and mindless thing to do, too, don't you think?
To my fans, don't worry, I'll still keep posting. I love doing it, for people's entertainment, for myself to vent. Trust me, I can find a lot of other pet peeves, superficial and serious, to rave about for another couple of years.
But one of the things I really hate is, in fact, being around people who are hateful. Someone once told me that this is the most ironic thing I could possibly talk about on my blog, but I think I've touched on it before, when I talk about people who disrespect others, people who are argumentative, people who hold grudges, because those are the various ways in which people can show/express their hate.
Undoubtedly, you've heard of the phrase 'everyone's a critic'.
But there's never a need to judge someone negatively (in their face or not). It's mean. It doesn't better anybody's day. And who are you to be so high and mighty, better and holier than everyone else?
I'm aware that I'm digging my own grave, planting my own crucifix, and paying for my own funeral.
But I'm just saying, I hate people who hate. I'm allowed to be a hypocrite on this.
...right?
Over the past four months, I have grown a little tired of this to be honest. I find that people aren't as annoying as I thought they were, and as I have more time to reflect on my own behavior now that I don't focus on that of others, I become aware of a lot of my own flaws.
And I think it's for my own good. I have flaws, a lot of them, and my time on this blog has shown me that other people aren't that bad, and from the mixed feedback I get, with comments like, "That doesn't bug me so much" or "I have grown used to this" or "I completely disagree with you on this one", I find that complaining about things like what I have complained about isn't necessary, and isn't necessarily humorous. I mean, being hateful is a pretty stupid, senseless, dim-witted, annoying, ridiculous, laughable and mindless thing to do, too, don't you think?
To my fans, don't worry, I'll still keep posting. I love doing it, for people's entertainment, for myself to vent. Trust me, I can find a lot of other pet peeves, superficial and serious, to rave about for another couple of years.
But one of the things I really hate is, in fact, being around people who are hateful. Someone once told me that this is the most ironic thing I could possibly talk about on my blog, but I think I've touched on it before, when I talk about people who disrespect others, people who are argumentative, people who hold grudges, because those are the various ways in which people can show/express their hate.
Undoubtedly, you've heard of the phrase 'everyone's a critic'.
But there's never a need to judge someone negatively (in their face or not). It's mean. It doesn't better anybody's day. And who are you to be so high and mighty, better and holier than everyone else?
I'm aware that I'm digging my own grave, planting my own crucifix, and paying for my own funeral.
But I'm just saying, I hate people who hate. I'm allowed to be a hypocrite on this.
...right?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
51 - When people know you're (getting) upset but don't show their sensitivity
(I don't know if I'm going to make sense. I'm pissed.) Today, I got really upset by one friend and tried to find consolation in four others. I still ended up arriving home utterly pissed off. I didn't want to be. I wanted to write about something happier today, but no. No, because I just had to get it out of my system. It's taken my six hours of playing online poker and watching television to finally wrap my head around why I hated what I hated today. This post's title is pretty self-explanatory. I hate it when people know you're (getting) upset but they don't seem to care.
At our school, we take a class called Theory of Knowledge (TOK), also known as epistemology, the study of knowledge. Much like in any other subject, but especially in TOK, we are required to define what we actually mean by the different words included in the essay question/topic. In other words, I need to tell you what I mean by the words in my title step-by-step, so that you can grasp onto the general idea considerably better.
That's exactly what I'll do with this post because I feel that there are many reasons behind today's problem depending on which part of the title you or I focus on. Here they are:
Let's start with the word 'people'. Usually, you feel like people are being insensitive to your feelings when you feel that those people are close to you. You trust them and care about them. Therefore, you expect them to be sensitive because you're sensitive toward them.
But that's just the problem. Expectations.
Expectations of receiving in return all that you've given them. But in reality, perhaps they don't care about you and/or they mightn't trust you. They may not feel like they're close to you. These people may not actually be sensitive toward you even if you expect them to be, even though you want them to be, even though you need them to be. The first part of this problem may be due to the fact that these 'people' whom you expect to care about you just aren't the 'people' you thought they were. They're not your friend or your close family. You've given them a big title like favorite aunt, most trustworthy, or best friend but they fail to live up to that title. Are these people really as good as you made them out to be?
Going back to the actual title, this is about getting upset. In my experience of knowing people, it's quite easy to spot when somebody is upset. They pout, they cry, they don't want to talk, they limit their social communication, they shake their head, they sigh, they stop smiling, they stop joking, their humor gets dry, et cetera...
The second part of today's annoyance is the fact that maybe these people in question are too unaware of other people's feelings. They don't hear the disappointment in your voice or they don't sense that your sarcasm is being used as a defense mechanism rather than as a comical tool. I always thought that I was pretty open with my emotions but when people continue to joke around, smile and laugh around me when I'm upset, I wonder to myself: "Am I obviously angry right now? Am I actually coming across as sad?" What do you do when the people around you can't tell how you're feeling even when you're displaying your emotions ever-so-openly? Doesn't it worry you that people can't tell by your facial expressions and your bodily mannerisms that you're upset whenever you are? Or is it just the fact that they're stupid?
Now, the final bit is what angered me the most. It builds upon Part 1 and Part 2, in that it sort of reinforces the fact that they're insensitive. Part 1 was that these people were insensitive because they didn't know they were meant to be sensitive since they didn't believe the relationship was tight. Part 2 was that they were insensitive because they were unaware that you were upset. Part 3 is a lot more annoying.
Part 3 shows that even when they are the right people, your best friends and your close family, and even though they can see you're upset, these intuitive people whom are close to you just don't show you that they know how you feel, that they care about how you feel, that they want to make you feel better or even acknowledge the fact that you're upset, even though they know.
If it's because they purposefully ignore your distress because they just can't be bothered to deal with that right now, then it's pointless in remaining close with them for any longer. You go to a person for consolation and just because that person is feeling happy, he/she feels that he/she can ignore your feelings lest he/she might become upset too.
There's also the possibility that people 'don't know how to deal with' you being upset. I can understand that. There are some people that I will never know what to say in front of but the thing that sets apart real friends and less loyal friends explicitly is whether or not they try to make you feel better. As long as I feel people are acknowledging that I'm upset, showing that they respect my feelings and care about them, I will always, always reciprocate and show that I can be sensitive for them too in their times of need.
I hate it when people never try to deal with problems, whether they're battles within oneself, conflicts with other people or disagreements between him/her and me. Sometimes, it's obvious to me that people care about me. They just choose not to. They choose to say they 'don't know what to say' because it's just easier. How lazy and uncommitted is that?
The general problem with people being insensitive when you're upset is the fact that it raises so many questions in your mind. Do they really not know that you're angry right now? Is it not obvious that you're upset? Do you appear stoic? Why don't they show some compassion? Do they actually feel empathy? Do they not want to because it's just difficult? Does this actually seem fair to them?
Do they expect you to do all the work in this relationship while they sit on your coattail? Why even bother with him/her, even when you're happy, or even when they're the ones that are upset? Are these the right people you should be expecting to care about you? Do you really need anybody to care about you?
I hope I've demonstrated that coming across as being insensitive is a dangerous thing to do. It confuses people, makes them worry, scares them even.
When people know you're upset but come across as if they don't care, do you hate it too?
At our school, we take a class called Theory of Knowledge (TOK), also known as epistemology, the study of knowledge. Much like in any other subject, but especially in TOK, we are required to define what we actually mean by the different words included in the essay question/topic. In other words, I need to tell you what I mean by the words in my title step-by-step, so that you can grasp onto the general idea considerably better.
That's exactly what I'll do with this post because I feel that there are many reasons behind today's problem depending on which part of the title you or I focus on. Here they are:
Let's start with the word 'people'. Usually, you feel like people are being insensitive to your feelings when you feel that those people are close to you. You trust them and care about them. Therefore, you expect them to be sensitive because you're sensitive toward them.
But that's just the problem. Expectations.
Expectations of receiving in return all that you've given them. But in reality, perhaps they don't care about you and/or they mightn't trust you. They may not feel like they're close to you. These people may not actually be sensitive toward you even if you expect them to be, even though you want them to be, even though you need them to be. The first part of this problem may be due to the fact that these 'people' whom you expect to care about you just aren't the 'people' you thought they were. They're not your friend or your close family. You've given them a big title like favorite aunt, most trustworthy, or best friend but they fail to live up to that title. Are these people really as good as you made them out to be?
Going back to the actual title, this is about getting upset. In my experience of knowing people, it's quite easy to spot when somebody is upset. They pout, they cry, they don't want to talk, they limit their social communication, they shake their head, they sigh, they stop smiling, they stop joking, their humor gets dry, et cetera...
The second part of today's annoyance is the fact that maybe these people in question are too unaware of other people's feelings. They don't hear the disappointment in your voice or they don't sense that your sarcasm is being used as a defense mechanism rather than as a comical tool. I always thought that I was pretty open with my emotions but when people continue to joke around, smile and laugh around me when I'm upset, I wonder to myself: "Am I obviously angry right now? Am I actually coming across as sad?" What do you do when the people around you can't tell how you're feeling even when you're displaying your emotions ever-so-openly? Doesn't it worry you that people can't tell by your facial expressions and your bodily mannerisms that you're upset whenever you are? Or is it just the fact that they're stupid?
Now, the final bit is what angered me the most. It builds upon Part 1 and Part 2, in that it sort of reinforces the fact that they're insensitive. Part 1 was that these people were insensitive because they didn't know they were meant to be sensitive since they didn't believe the relationship was tight. Part 2 was that they were insensitive because they were unaware that you were upset. Part 3 is a lot more annoying.
Part 3 shows that even when they are the right people, your best friends and your close family, and even though they can see you're upset, these intuitive people whom are close to you just don't show you that they know how you feel, that they care about how you feel, that they want to make you feel better or even acknowledge the fact that you're upset, even though they know.
If it's because they purposefully ignore your distress because they just can't be bothered to deal with that right now, then it's pointless in remaining close with them for any longer. You go to a person for consolation and just because that person is feeling happy, he/she feels that he/she can ignore your feelings lest he/she might become upset too.
There's also the possibility that people 'don't know how to deal with' you being upset. I can understand that. There are some people that I will never know what to say in front of but the thing that sets apart real friends and less loyal friends explicitly is whether or not they try to make you feel better. As long as I feel people are acknowledging that I'm upset, showing that they respect my feelings and care about them, I will always, always reciprocate and show that I can be sensitive for them too in their times of need.
I hate it when people never try to deal with problems, whether they're battles within oneself, conflicts with other people or disagreements between him/her and me. Sometimes, it's obvious to me that people care about me. They just choose not to. They choose to say they 'don't know what to say' because it's just easier. How lazy and uncommitted is that?
The general problem with people being insensitive when you're upset is the fact that it raises so many questions in your mind. Do they really not know that you're angry right now? Is it not obvious that you're upset? Do you appear stoic? Why don't they show some compassion? Do they actually feel empathy? Do they not want to because it's just difficult? Does this actually seem fair to them?
Do they expect you to do all the work in this relationship while they sit on your coattail? Why even bother with him/her, even when you're happy, or even when they're the ones that are upset? Are these the right people you should be expecting to care about you? Do you really need anybody to care about you?
I hope I've demonstrated that coming across as being insensitive is a dangerous thing to do. It confuses people, makes them worry, scares them even.
When people know you're upset but come across as if they don't care, do you hate it too?
Friday, November 14, 2008
18 - When someone doesn't love you the same way
As you've probably guessed, this is a serious one for a change. It's not a stupid, senseless and mindless habit this time. It's about something deep, something emotional and something astonishingly common. I've had a good seventeen years to find people to love, care for and share with. More than half the time, I've had feelings for them, feelings that I'll just group together into what we know as crushes. When someone does not love you the same way, it means they don't have a crush on you at the time you have a crush on them.
When you think about your own love, the pain and torment of said love originates from the internal struggle, and the ever-lasting wonderment about whether or not the other person likes you back. A whole list of other things can drive you to shed doubtful tears. You may think you don't deserve such a great person as him/her, or you may notice that he/she has some flaws you might not be able to oversee, or you may have external pressures from your family and your peers, or you may be afraid of a little competition, or you may be much accustomed to acting stoic, causing you to think about how you're ever going to change your personality, but the universal thing that makes us most worried about confessing your love is the fear of not getting what you wished for, and the overwhelming heartbreak that comes with rejection.
And then there is the horrible case in which you are already in a relationship, but you have lost your initial spark, and your companion just does not love you the same way as he/she used to in the good ol' days, and it hurts when there is no possible way to rekindle old, passionate flames. Whether or not you're in a relationship, you may give a huge multitude of things: care, effort, time, advice, patience, trust, consistency in character, shoulders for crying on, ears for listening, hands for holding, understanding, respect, etc... You may give all these things, but in the end, it comes down to whether or not they love you the same way - if they have the same feelings you do, and it is a pity when they don't.
I speak of this from experience and having heard many a sad story, I know of this from my friends and my family, my parents in particular as they are divorced and do not love each other in the old respect they did seventeen years ago. Sigh, I am only a seventeen-year-old student, yet life appears so much older, less colorful and more unattractive when I go from class to class. The classrooms reek of sadness thanks to loneliness and the absence of a mutual love, despite the childlike excitement and desire at school, the sparkles in our eyes we get from learning, the work that we do that distracts us from our troubles, the smiles on our faces we use as shields to hide the thoughts that lie deeper within our head.
But, really, who hasn't been rejected? Who has ever been able to escape the love spell, in other words, the curse of affection that consumes the minds of each and every person in my life (especially the important ones)? Why is it that we all want to be loved in the way we love others? What is it that makes us wish the stranger was our friend, wish the friend was our lover? How can my idea of love be different from yours if love is meant to be pure, independent and ever-lasting? Why is love seemingly unfair? Why love at all? Why bother?
This problem occurs a lot.
Do you hate it too?
When you think about your own love, the pain and torment of said love originates from the internal struggle, and the ever-lasting wonderment about whether or not the other person likes you back. A whole list of other things can drive you to shed doubtful tears. You may think you don't deserve such a great person as him/her, or you may notice that he/she has some flaws you might not be able to oversee, or you may have external pressures from your family and your peers, or you may be afraid of a little competition, or you may be much accustomed to acting stoic, causing you to think about how you're ever going to change your personality, but the universal thing that makes us most worried about confessing your love is the fear of not getting what you wished for, and the overwhelming heartbreak that comes with rejection.
And then there is the horrible case in which you are already in a relationship, but you have lost your initial spark, and your companion just does not love you the same way as he/she used to in the good ol' days, and it hurts when there is no possible way to rekindle old, passionate flames. Whether or not you're in a relationship, you may give a huge multitude of things: care, effort, time, advice, patience, trust, consistency in character, shoulders for crying on, ears for listening, hands for holding, understanding, respect, etc... You may give all these things, but in the end, it comes down to whether or not they love you the same way - if they have the same feelings you do, and it is a pity when they don't.
I speak of this from experience and having heard many a sad story, I know of this from my friends and my family, my parents in particular as they are divorced and do not love each other in the old respect they did seventeen years ago. Sigh, I am only a seventeen-year-old student, yet life appears so much older, less colorful and more unattractive when I go from class to class. The classrooms reek of sadness thanks to loneliness and the absence of a mutual love, despite the childlike excitement and desire at school, the sparkles in our eyes we get from learning, the work that we do that distracts us from our troubles, the smiles on our faces we use as shields to hide the thoughts that lie deeper within our head.
But, really, who hasn't been rejected? Who has ever been able to escape the love spell, in other words, the curse of affection that consumes the minds of each and every person in my life (especially the important ones)? Why is it that we all want to be loved in the way we love others? What is it that makes us wish the stranger was our friend, wish the friend was our lover? How can my idea of love be different from yours if love is meant to be pure, independent and ever-lasting? Why is love seemingly unfair? Why love at all? Why bother?
This problem occurs a lot.
Do you hate it too?
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