210 - 'No comment' and 'I don't know what to say'

To the people that respond to uninteresting or tricky dialogue with 'no comment', let me teach you an alternative move you could make.

Now, this may come as a shock to you, so heed my warning...

When I have no comment, I do not comment.

I know it seems CRAZY, but trust me, it achieves the same effect.

In fact, sometimes, it can be even more effectual.

Again, please try to keep yourselves together when I tell you what I'm about to tell you.

But the same goes for 'I don't know what to say'.

When I don't know what to say, I do not say anything.

It's okay to keep silent. You don't have to say anything. Nobody's going to judge you. In fact, most of the time, people never expect you to say anything.

Okay, okay, I know it feels like your world has been turned upside down, but trust me, everything is going to be okay. Please stop crying hysterically. You can do this. You can keep your mouth shut. You are actually allowed to say nothing.

Okay, I'll tell you what... I'm going to leave you alone for a while, 'cause I've obviously caused you some major distress.

I'll see you later, okay?

149 - Personal insecurity

In my younger years, I used to be unbelievably shy. I simply would not utter a single word to my classmates throughout the school day, because I thought that these other kids were strange beings, people I could not understand. And because I could not understand them, they were people that I deeply feared. (The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable. What he wants above everything else is safety. - Henry Louis Mencken)

It was only until my mother had picked me up from school and whisked me away that I was suddenly capable of human speech. She would meet me at the gate everyday after school, lead the way to the nearest road, and hail a cab. And it was inside this cab, where I instantaneously transformed into the talkative and opinionated person that you, my readers, are presented with today.

I behaved this way at the time because I only trusted my mother, and did not trust these strangers who worked and played alongside me. I also didn't think I was the best at anything (even though, at the time, all we did in class was basic maths, basic English and drawing). I didn't think too highly of my abilities and I did not want others to know my standards. I wasn't confident. I did not have very high self-esteem.

In retrospect, I believe it was because of this lack of confidence in myself and others that I did not have many friends in primary school. In fact, I am still very much like my five-year-old self, and when I go to school these days, I actually find myself distrusting my own and other people's judgements, and that's what usually separates me from the group.

I know several people who experience unease and nervousness each day because they perceive themselves, or others, as inadequate or worthless. There is a very fine line between being insecure but pretending to be okay, and actually being okay. And it's in pretending to be okay that annoys me, because the person I'm talking to is achingly putting on a fake, confident smile, just for me.

So what can that person do, or what can I do?

I like to attack a problem by first eradicating the source of the problem, like hosing down the stove in a kitchen fire. By that analogy, I mean trying to build confidence is the way to achieve a healthy quantity and quality of self-regard (i.e., remove insecurity).

However, how this can be done effectively is beyond me. These people are so insecure about themselves, that they think they aren't capable of anything, and that includes change for the better. They never feel motivated enough to talk more, or talk to one more person, they never feel like they can actually break out of their usual behavioral habits. And so it's just a horrible paradoxical internal bewilderment that exists within us, a bewilderment that is borne of these strange beings who feel insecure, sort of like a sprinkling into our lives of realistic humanoids that are machined to solely experience doubt, shyness, and feelings of being threatened... it's just another one of those vicious cycles.

I hate it, how are you supposed to build a strong relationship with someone that's insecure? Come on, readers, do you hate it too?

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148 - People who yell out the manner in which they just accidentally hurt themselves

"OW, I hit my funny bone on the edge of the table!"
"OW, I stubbed my toe!"
"OW, I accidentally touched the edge of the frying pan!"
"OW, I hit my head on the ceiling!"

It's stupid enough that you caused yourself the pain, but must you shout it out loud for the world to hear? That's imbecility that is incredible to me. Why are you telling me how you hurt yourself? Does it relieve the pain? Do you want to be known for clumsiness and thick-headedness? Does it make either one of us feel better?

No! Don't tell me you ventilated like that as part of a reflex reaction. Are you really garrulous and unpredictably verbal to the point where you really do not have any control over your own mouth? I just can't help but think that you deserved to get hurt after such a reaction as yours.

This is probably God's way of having fun. Using the principle of karma, normally, you would be dealt pain that would exact the degree of your wrongdoing, but in this case, you are dealt the punishment first, as God knows you will react by committing that exact sin. Like I said, God's playing with fate, and there's a touch of irony, of a paradoxical relationship.

87 - Vulgar mispronunciations

Remember how I wrote a post about mispronunciation a little over a month ago? Well, today, the subject came to my mind again, only this time, it was vulgar. What sparked it was a pun made by my friend, while we were watching the presidential inauguration together on the phone. He said he was so excited that he got a "Presidential Erection', a play on the word 'election', of course. I laughed, it was funny to me.

I mentioned in that other post that there aren't many people that speak properly all the time. I know I don't. Some mispronunciations are awful because they're not only embarrassing slip-ups, but they can be vulgar and offensive. Imagine if Obama said 'erection' instead of 'election' during his campaign. Yikes.

All we can do is try to be careful, especially on formal occasions. But we need to take extra care with these words in particular, because these slips of the tongue contain swear words, can be offensive and/or simply don't make sense at all!

Sentence: Mispronunciation

I can't get enough of the city life in Hong Kong: I can't get enough of the shitty life in Hong Kong.
Please sit down: Please sh*t down.
Our little girl has six dolls: Our little girl has sex dolls.
We got him six toys for Christmas: We got him sex toys for Christmas.
That's a really old folk song: That's a really old f*ck song.
Could you give me a clean fork, please: Could you give me a clean f*ck, please?
Foxhounds : F*ck sounds.
Benedict: Bend a dick.
The student used his cork to seal the test-tube: The student used his cock to seal the test-tube.
Do you have an available slot, say, at 5pm tomorrow: Do you have an available slut, say, at 5pm tomorrow?
I cannot live without her: I cannot live without whore.
You can't: You cunt!
I ordered the third sandwich on the menu: I ordered the turd sandwich on the menu.
Everyone loves a good father: Everyone loves a good farter.
Brush your teeth: Brush your teat.
The professors showed us their theses: The professors showed us their feces.
There's a lot of rust inside the car: There's a lot of lust inside the car.
The entire audience clapped: The entire audience crapped.
There are lumps in my mashed potatoes: There are rumps in my mashed potatoes.
The American people elected Obama: The American people erected Obama.
The elections come and go so ever-so-quickly: The erections come and go ever-so-quickly.
The whole wall is made of bricks: The whole wall is made of pricks.

And my favorite three. They are my favorite because I've actually heard these being said:

I have to perform a piece on stage: I have to perform a piss on stage.

The beaches are really nice and hot in Thailand: The b*tches are really nice and hot in Thailand.

Feel free to take a sheet: Feel free to take a sh*t!

80 - BCDEGPTVZ

Could you spell your surname for me, please?

R-I-V—

Sorry, eh, uh, er, sorry, R...?

I...

I...

V...

G?

V...

T?

V...

B?

V!

V?

Yes!

R-I-V...

E...

T?

(hang up)

38 - Mispronunciation

Just to clear out all of my own major slips of the tongue, let me just mention that I have pronounced the names, Peter, as Pet-ter, and Steven, as Steh-ven. Sometimes, my brain just doesn't calibrate the letters and process the order of those letters. The part of my mind that helps with pronunciation just blanks out. I remember there was a time I went to the movies with some friends. I was confused by a sign they had hanging on the wall and I turned to my friend with a very dumbfounded look on my face and asked, "What does no smocking mean?"

I felt very stupid when I made those mistakes and I believe I felt rightly so. I've always admired those that could read very well. Their trick is simply to read carefully and to stop briefly when they come to a longer or trickier word. There are some others that I've met who don't seem to have much talent in speaking correctly. I don't get awfully angry at these people. I just inhale deeply and sigh, sort of like my own method of therapy. People shouldn't open their mouth unless they know how to speak properly. It's annoying to listen to someone's thoughts when the words they're using aren't really words at all. Mispronunciations often occur when one is reading quickly so everybody should practice taking their time to read.

Here are some of the most annoying/amusing/common mispronunciations that I can recall:

Word: Mispronunciation (Comment)

actor: ak-tore (It's spelt that way but it's meant to be 'akter'.)
ask: ass/aks (You're an ass if you mispronounce such an easy word. Let's give the axe to ass and aks.)
clothes: close (Plain sloth.)
dog-eat-dog world: doggy dog world (Tragic mistake.)
environment: enviroment (There's an 'n', isn't there?)
espresso: expresso (I heard this at Starbucks the other day. My, my...)
et cetera: excetera (I have the impression this one is thanks to the King of Siam in The King and I.)
every: eh-ve-ree (It's a two-syllable word.)
February: Feb-ury (There's an 'r' after 'b' and an 'a' after 'u'. Pronounce them.)
government: guver-ment (Similar to enviroment. Even news reporters get these wrong.)
harass: her-ass (Scots never get this one right.)
helicopter: hel-ri-cop-ter (Asians do this. It's not good.)
hungry: Hungary (Hungry is the sensation of wanting to eat. Hungary is the Eastern European nation.)
idea: i-dear (Oh, dear. Do you see an 'r' at the end? I don't.)
José: Jozay (Spanish words require an 'h' sound as opposed to a 'j' sound. That's probably one of the worst misunderstandings you can have for other cultures.)
karate: ka-ra-tay/ka-ra-tee (The word is spelt exactly how it's meant to be said in Japanese. 'ka-ra-teh')
Ku Klux Klan: Klu Klux Klan (Sure. If there's a 'l' in 'Klux' and 'Klan', why not change it to 'Klu'?)
library: li-bry (Refer to 'February'.)
mayonnaise: may-naise (I love mayonnaise.)
nuclear: noo-coo-lah (George Bush says it this way and it sounds sort of dorky.)
parliament: parlament (There is an 'i'.)
probably: probly/prolly (This is horrible, especially when spelt in that haphazard way on paper.)
pronounce: pro-noun-ciate (I hate this one. It makes no sense at all.)
pronunciation: pro-noun-ciation (Ditto.)
snuck: sneaked ('Snuck' isn't a word, people.)
succumb: suck-cum (One should not succumb to laziness if one wants to avoid this awful, awful mispronunciation.)
supposedly: supposably (This is just stupid.)
the/this: duh/diss (Diss is more common dan you dink it is.)
toward: tor-ward (There's no 'r'.)
valve: volve (I don't understand how this happens. It's sort of like a bad attempt at sounding British.)
W: dubba-you (I dub you bad at pronunciation if you fail to say 'double-U'.)

Are there any that you can think of?