Thursday, January 22, 2009

87 - Vulgar mispronunciations

Remember how I wrote a post about mispronunciation a little over a month ago? Well, today, the subject came to my mind again, only this time, it was vulgar. What sparked it was a pun made by my friend, while we were watching the presidential inauguration together on the phone. He said he was so excited that he got a "Presidential Erection', a play on the word 'election', of course. I laughed, it was funny to me.

I mentioned in that other post that there aren't many people that speak properly all the time. I know I don't. Some mispronunciations are awful because they're not only embarrassing slip-ups, but they can be vulgar and offensive. Imagine if Obama said 'erection' instead of 'election' during his campaign. Yikes.

All we can do is try to be careful, especially on formal occasions. But we need to take extra care with these words in particular, because these slips of the tongue contain swear words, can be offensive and/or simply don't make sense at all!

Sentence: Mispronunciation

I can't get enough of the city life in Hong Kong: I can't get enough of the shitty life in Hong Kong.
Please sit down: Please sh*t down.
Our little girl has six dolls: Our little girl has sex dolls.
We got him six toys for Christmas: We got him sex toys for Christmas.

That's a really old folk song: That's a really old f*ck song.
Could you give me a clean fork, please: Could you give me a clean f*ck, please?
Foxhounds : F*ck sounds.
Benedict: Bend a dick.
The student used his cork to seal the test-tube: The student used his cock to seal the test-tube.
Do you have an available slot, say, at 5pm tomorrow: Do you have an available slut, say, at 5pm tomorrow?
I cannot live without her: I cannot live without whore.
You can't: You cunt!
I ordered the third sandwich on the menu: I ordered the turd sandwich on the menu.
Everyone loves a good father: Everyone loves a good farter.

Brush your teeth: Brush your teat.
The professors showed us their theses: The professors showed us their feces.
There's a lot of rust inside the car: There's a lot of lust inside the car.
The entire audience clapped: The entire audience crapped.
There are lumps in my mashed potatoes: There are rumps in my mashed potatoes.
The American people elected Obama: The American people erected Obama.
The elections come and go so ever-so-quickly: The erections come and go ever-so-quickly.
The whole wall is made of bricks: The whole wall is made of pricks.

And my favorite three. They are my favorite because I've actually heard these being said:

I have to perform a piece on stage: I have to perform a piss on stage.

The beaches are really nice and hot in Thailand: The b*tches are really nice and hot in Thailand.

Feel free to take a sheet: Feel free to take a sh*t!


Chris O said...

All I can say is you are sofa king we todd it.

Or maybe that's me.

My ex loved to mispronounce things for the shock effect. I think he liked to eat kittens too.

Michael said...

I have an amusing tendency to hear totally different versions to what people say. They're usually very, very wrong.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant Michael, loved every mispronounced piss...

You will of course realise that as an English teacher, I hear this type of thing every day, nothing surprises me, and I have a good laugh.


Michael said...

It's also expected when living in any non-English-speaking country. It is funniest for me when English-speakers are the ones that say things improperly.

J.J. in L.A. said...

My problem isn't so much mispronouncing words but turning them into something "naughty". I laughed my butt off when someone said, "Put it in." They were anxious to start watching a movie and the person with the VHS tape was just standing there with it in his hand. The word 'caulk' will also send me into a fit of giggles.

Yeah...I'm weird.

Zobot said...

"There are rumps in my mashed potatoes."
Teehee... what a great sentence.

You know what also makes me laugh? When people say "pianist"

Anonymous said...

SO exciting about UCL!!! Congratulations!!! ahhh i'm sure you'll get it done in a breeze, you've seen your report card right? ;)
have a fab weekend! xx

shanne said...


yeah, people often mispronounce words. it's quite shameful, though. even i got problems with that. i have different "S" accent. :(

gaf85 said...

Michael,enjoyed your post.You certainly are prolific with ideas.
While trying to re-learn Spanish after taking it in high school and college I realized how much I did not know. While in Costa Rica I was attempting to communicate with a cleaning women asking her to wash the floor and evidently my translation turned out to be something about wiping away one's enemies. We all had a good laugh and I'm still teased about it. How else though are you supposed to learn a different language if you don't immerse yourself and practice?

Louise said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Louise said...

Nyaha! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

*Can't stop laughing. My boyfriend thinks I'm nuts.

Oh come one, they ARE funny...

Good one Michael. Stupid people pronouncing stupid words stupidly...


Michael said...

J.J.: I'm so weird like that too. I hear everything dirtier...

Zoe: Thanks, for the compliment and for 'pianist'.

Vivienne: It was my personal statement that got me in. The questionnaire is like... writing another PS all over again.

Shanne: Amazing? Really?

gaf85: So true. How else would I be able to learn English and Chinese without being surrounded by it at home and at school?

Louise: Thanks. *chuckle*

Ursley Devar said...


Michael said...

lol. :)

Naomi said...

Bravo, Michael.
This was great, really. lol. I also had my sanity questioned by the other 2 pple in the room. I showed them the post. So when one more person entered the room and saw us, failing at suppressing our laughter, they just dismissed it as insanity and continued down the hall.