29 - Licking the finger for some extra grip

Uh, hello, disgusting finger-licking page-turner? Do you really lack the traction required to turn a very light, very turnable-on-its-own page? Is it really that much harder to leaf through a book just because the material it's made up of is that carbon paper instead of the nice and clean, very white paper? Is it so difficult, to the point where you have to place your finger near your mouth and stick out your tongue, apply saliva to the tip of your finger, so that the sugary, sticky adhesive nature of said saliva can provide a pseudoglue that will allow you to more-than-sufficiently affix the paper to your finger so that you can turn it?

I doubt it.

I have noticed this bad habit for all my life, since the day I was sitting attentively, listening to my very first primary school teacher reading Mr.Men books to us. I always wondered why anybody would do such a thing, but when I found out that it was just for some extra grip, my first thoughts were: Are you serious? That's it? But that's ridiculous. It was ridiculous because this totally harebrained tendency has not only spread to countless numbers of the common folk who read books and newspapers, but even professionals do it.

Teachers, photographers, therapists, architects, writers, doctors, fashion designers, lawyers and business(wo)men all lick to flip through text. I mean, there are doctors out there who will lick their fingers as they're skimming though a patient's charts, when they should really be the most aware of personal hygiene and the microbiological implications of such an unsanitary mannerism. Bankers and accountants will lick their fingers when they count money. Supermarket cashier ladies will lick their fingers as they reach for plastic bags. Even baseball and softball pitchers will lick their fingers just to get some extra grip on the ball. Yuck. You knows what's in the dirt those balls have been in contact with?

That's why I like post offices. A very professional establishment that provides sponges soaked in water for you to dab your stamps in so that they adhere to your envelopes. Oh, and don't even get me started on how people slobber the seals on their envelopes with a thick layer of saliva. People should be laughing at videos of idiots licking their envelopes instead of laughing at... whatever else you find on Youtube.

I mean, licking your finger to grab onto a sheet and then giving me the sheet is the equivalent of spitting on the damn thing and then giving it to me.

You know the worst example of this atrocity? Bibles.

Yes, that's right. I said it. The Holy Bible. I attend weekly mass every now and then and even the occasional Christmas mass, and I'm sure you, or anybody, can examine how the Bible is the perfect prey that is subject to predatory finger-licking, because in church, they are picked up by vast numbers of people, and read almost everyday (every Sunday at the least) for God knows how long (is that considered to be a pun?). Old editions exhibit the fading of ink where there is print near the sides, as well as the sheer fragility of the paper itself caused by so much softening-by-saliva (and that includes old New Testaments as well as old Old Testaments).

All in all, it's unhygienic and it ruins the literature, rendering the pages weaker and smudging the words.

You know what you can do to tackle this problem the next time you see it? Start licking everything yourself when you're around the finger-lickers. They'll say, "Whoa, whoa, Michael, did you just lick your finger before you reached for the phone?" Then you can reply with, "Yes, I needed a better grip. Why, is there a problem?" Or, you can pretend there's someone else that licks their fingers. For example, if Sam is a finger-licker, you can say to him, "Gee, Sam, don't you hate it how George always licks his finger before he turns a page?" Soon enough, Sam will notice that he does it too and will stop licking his own finger.

Or, if, for example, Sarah is a finger-licker, and also a frequent visitor at your blog, you can write a blog entry about how disgusting it is. Then she won't lick her finger anymore... Or she might just stop reading your blog...

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Or you can get them these:


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